he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
