Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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