So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
