dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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