He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
