You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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