i think my tv is drunk
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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