You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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