Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
