I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize