My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
