I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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