I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
