oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
