my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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