I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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