Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
