I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
