I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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