I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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