Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize