I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
