I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
