there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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