Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
