U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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