My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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