Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
