She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Enjoy the penises
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
