After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
