After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
