I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
