Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
