Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
