we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
