She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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