somebody snuck up and got me drunk
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
