Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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