Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
