I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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