oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Randomize
