toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
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