Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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