Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize