i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Randomize
