I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
