Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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