God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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