When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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