I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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