woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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