I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
