Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
