Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
