i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
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