so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The air taste purple.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
