Plan B is the new Plan A
Non-Jews are for practice
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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