I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
