saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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