Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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