Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
My first STD was from a foam party
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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