I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Randomize
