Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
